Unfortunately, the bad is what I seem to have an issue with from time to time. From both sides...the bad on mine is the the being cheated on, neglected, left to do it all, being abused, just overall being treated terrible. The bad on his, hearing of his past "sexual experiences" and relationships, which sometimes in my mind make him as bad as my ex. I know this is not true, but its my mind so sue me. You cannot always help the way you think, especially when your mind has been treated so badly for years. At times I appreciate my husband's honesty and other times I just wish he had just kept it to himself.
I realize my husband's past is the past, but we have dealt with crazy women from the past rearing their ugly heads and causing issues, which is not good. One incident really and truly hurt me. It just stirred up a lot of unwanted memories and makes it even more difficult to get my own past out of my head. And try as I may, sometimes I cannot help but to wonder if my husband is going to do as my ex did. That sounds horrible, doesn't it? When I think of that, it makes me feel terrible for even thinking my husband is capable of hurting me like that. I know deep my heart he never would, but that past can be a real bitch sometimes.
I think I tend to read too much into actions that are nothing. I dwell on things that really have no meaning, and I allow my feelings to be hurt way to easily. This is where the miscommunication part comes in. Although it is the topic of this blog, it is a very small part of our relationship. I do not want to this to come across as a huge issue or as a daily issue that we have.
I cannot express how incredibly happy my husband makes me. I cannot put into words how wonderful it feels to be married to him, how lucky I am to have found someone that makes me feel this way. I just know this, I have never been happier or more content than I am now. Which is why these feelings about the past truly bother me. I don't know if this is my brain's way of trying to protect me or trying to confuse and hurt me. Sometimes I feel like I am in a huge struggle with my own head. Sounds silly, huh? I just want to forget my past, forget his past and live our happily ever after. How do you shut off the past?
If I have heard it once, well actually, if I hear it again I think I will scream...but as they say "Your past makes you who you are today" Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!! See, told you I would scream, lol. I realize I am a stronger person today because of what I dealt with in my past, blah blah blah...but damn it! Why can I not get the bad out of my head?! When does that part go away so it does not reflect on current life? I am tired of remembering my past, and I am tired of making others suffer for it. It is not fair to any of us.
I am open to suggestions, I will try almost anything. All I want is my happy ever after, the wonderful marriage I deserve and for us to enjoy growing old together. I love you my wonderful husband...forever and always.
No comments:
Post a Comment