There are days that I sit there and think, when is this dream over? Am I about to wake up and be right back where I was? If this is a dream, it's very realistic and at the same time, hard to believe. I have a hard time believing that my husband is mine, all mine. And I don't have to share him. When we took vows, he took them very seriously, as did I. This was not the case with my last marriage. That one was filled with lies, deceit and heartbreak. I keep waiting for the bottom to fall out of my happiness...
This sounds so negative, even as think it, type it, read it. I know it sounds terrible to think, but it is in no way a slam on my husband. He is a wonderful person and treats me better than I ever thought I could be treated. But when your past won't get out of your head, it puts a slight damper on the present. My husband doesn't say much about my past, he knows about it, he knows it bothers me. And I think it bothers him. He has to live with the shadow of my past looming over us.
I would like to think it doesn't effect our relationship, but there are times I am sure it does. You would think it would be a piece of cake, you know being such a great guy after that loser. But there are challenges. Like I said above, I sometimes find it hard to believe that there isn't "another woman" or several for that fact. Not that I think that is the norm for any relationship! I just dealt with it for so long, I prayed it would stop for so long and it never did. My life is kind of like one of those too good to be true things right now. Therefore, the bottom has to drop out at some point, right?
I can be told 1000 times that my life will be perfect from here on out, but there is some sort of filter in my brain that is keeping me from fully believing this. And once again, this is not a slam on my husband at all. It is not his fault at all...but I don't know how to fix this and make it right. Am I what they call damaged goods?
I pray on a daily basis he doesn't just finally decide that this is not worth the headache, hassle or trouble. I know deep down that he would not do that, but everyone has a breaking point. I fear that my past could push someone to that. I am a lot to handle, and I was a package deal. He took it all with great acceptance and love. For that he deserves sainthood. He is my dream come true, he is all I ever wanted and more. He was the missing piece to my puzzle of a heart.
This is kind of a downer of a blog for me write, I have actually been working on it off and on all day. It is just one of those days where I look at where I was and where I am and think, "OK, that's it..." and BAM! My great life is gone. And it's back to the old ways. I love my life and I love the way things are going. It's not always sunshine and roses, but it is always filled with love. I don't ever want it to end. I can't imagine not having what I have right now.
Regardless of what this blog may lead you to believe, I love and trust my husband with all of my heart and soul. I have faith that our marriage is sacred and will last our lifetime. It's just those moments that won't leave your head, the few times that the past rears its ugly head. I will tell you this. I think it is getting better. I have good days and I have bad days. I tend to over think things at times, and that makes it not such a good day. I just have to remind myself that I have a good guy. I am not perfect, he is not perfect, but together we are perfect for each other. We keep working at this and that is what makes a happy marriage.
