Am I Damaged Goods?

There are days that I sit there and think, when is this dream over?  Am I about to wake up and be right back where I was?  If this is a dream, it's very realistic and at the same time, hard to believe.  I have a hard time believing that my husband is mine, all mine.  And I don't have to share him.  When we took vows, he took them very seriously, as did I.  This was not the case with my last marriage.  That one was filled with lies, deceit and heartbreak.  I keep waiting for the bottom to fall out of my happiness...

This sounds so negative, even as think it, type it, read it.  I know it sounds terrible to think, but it is in no way a slam on my husband.  He is a wonderful person and treats me better than I ever thought I could be treated.  But when your past won't get out of your head,  it puts a slight damper on the present.  My husband doesn't say much about my past, he knows about it, he knows it bothers me.  And I think it bothers him.  He has to live with the shadow of my past looming over us.

I would like to think it doesn't effect our relationship, but there are times I am sure it does.  You would think it would be a piece of cake, you know being such a great guy after that loser.  But there are challenges.  Like I said above, I sometimes find it hard to believe that there isn't "another woman" or several for that fact.  Not that I think that is the norm for any relationship!  I just dealt with it for so long, I prayed it would stop for so long and it never did.  My life is kind of like one of those too good to be true things right now.  Therefore, the bottom has to drop out at some point, right? 

I can be told 1000 times that my life will be perfect from here on out, but there is some sort of filter in my brain that is keeping me from fully believing this.  And once again, this is not a slam on my husband at all.  It is not his fault at all...but I don't know how to fix this and make it right.  Am I what they call damaged goods?   

I pray on a daily basis he doesn't just finally decide that this is not worth the headache, hassle or trouble.  I know deep down that he would not do that, but everyone has a breaking point.  I fear that my past could push someone to that.  I am a lot to handle, and I was a package deal.  He took it all with great acceptance and love.  For that he deserves sainthood.  He is my dream come true, he is all I ever wanted and more.  He was the missing piece to my puzzle of a heart. 

This is kind of a downer of a blog for me write, I have actually been working on it off and on all day.  It is just one of those days where I look at where I was and where I am and think, "OK, that's it..." and BAM!  My great life is gone.  And it's back to the old ways.  I love my life and I love the way things are going.  It's not always sunshine and roses, but it is always filled with love.  I don't ever want it to end. I can't imagine not having what I have right now.   

Regardless of what this blog may lead you to believe, I love and trust my husband with all of my heart and soul.  I have faith that our marriage is sacred and will last our lifetime.  It's just those moments that won't leave your head, the few times that the past rears its ugly head.  I will tell you this.  I think it is getting better.  I have good days and I have bad days.  I tend to over think things at times, and that makes it not such a good day.  I just have to remind myself that I have a good guy.  I am not perfect, he is not perfect, but together we are perfect for each other.   We keep working at this and that is what makes a happy marriage. 

Full Time Marriage

Marriage is hard work, but so worth the reward!  I cannot imagine my life without my husband.  A husband and wife should be like a puzzle, when you find the right one you just fit together...perfectly.  That is my husband and I.  We have much in common, and at the same time we have different likes.  But that does not stop us from doing things together at all.  We are respectful enough to oblige each other and taking part in what the other one likes.  Its all about a mutual respect, and a deep love for each other.  

                                                         
In a world where commitment is nearly a lost virtue, I cannot tell you how wonderful it is to have someone I can count on to be there for me.  Monogamy seems to be losing value these days and I do not understand why.  I am totally floored when I hear of someone famous who was caught cheating.  I am totally floored when I hear of anyone cheating, but especially a star!  You are in the public eye and didn't think you would get caught?  In my opinion, they have just public announced that they have very little respect or regard for their spouse.  After all, that is what cheating is.  You have very little respect for your spouse if you turn to another for your needs.   

I have been the disrespected spouse (from my previous marriage) and let me tell you , it was not very good for the ol' ego at all.  Nothing worse than knowing you are not enough and that someone else is spending intimate time with the one YOU love. Add that to the fact that someone would have so little disregard for your feelings...it makes for a large therapy bill later in life.  This is where I count my lucky stars.  I have found someone who would not do that.  I know what you are saying, "How do you know he won't?"  It's called FAITH people.  We have such a great relationship, we are so open and honest with each other, I cannot imagine him ever hurting me in that way.

                                                

I could bore you with ever growing and undying love for my husband, but I want you to come back and read more later, lol.  I just want people to know that marriage is a full time job.  Its takes two to make it work and it takes faith to know its going to remain this good for ever.  We may not live the fairy tale life, but I sure do feel like a princess that has found her prince charming.  I am living my happily ever after...