Am I Damaged Goods?

There are days that I sit there and think, when is this dream over?  Am I about to wake up and be right back where I was?  If this is a dream, it's very realistic and at the same time, hard to believe.  I have a hard time believing that my husband is mine, all mine.  And I don't have to share him.  When we took vows, he took them very seriously, as did I.  This was not the case with my last marriage.  That one was filled with lies, deceit and heartbreak.  I keep waiting for the bottom to fall out of my happiness...

This sounds so negative, even as think it, type it, read it.  I know it sounds terrible to think, but it is in no way a slam on my husband.  He is a wonderful person and treats me better than I ever thought I could be treated.  But when your past won't get out of your head,  it puts a slight damper on the present.  My husband doesn't say much about my past, he knows about it, he knows it bothers me.  And I think it bothers him.  He has to live with the shadow of my past looming over us.

I would like to think it doesn't effect our relationship, but there are times I am sure it does.  You would think it would be a piece of cake, you know being such a great guy after that loser.  But there are challenges.  Like I said above, I sometimes find it hard to believe that there isn't "another woman" or several for that fact.  Not that I think that is the norm for any relationship!  I just dealt with it for so long, I prayed it would stop for so long and it never did.  My life is kind of like one of those too good to be true things right now.  Therefore, the bottom has to drop out at some point, right? 

I can be told 1000 times that my life will be perfect from here on out, but there is some sort of filter in my brain that is keeping me from fully believing this.  And once again, this is not a slam on my husband at all.  It is not his fault at all...but I don't know how to fix this and make it right.  Am I what they call damaged goods?   

I pray on a daily basis he doesn't just finally decide that this is not worth the headache, hassle or trouble.  I know deep down that he would not do that, but everyone has a breaking point.  I fear that my past could push someone to that.  I am a lot to handle, and I was a package deal.  He took it all with great acceptance and love.  For that he deserves sainthood.  He is my dream come true, he is all I ever wanted and more.  He was the missing piece to my puzzle of a heart. 

This is kind of a downer of a blog for me write, I have actually been working on it off and on all day.  It is just one of those days where I look at where I was and where I am and think, "OK, that's it..." and BAM!  My great life is gone.  And it's back to the old ways.  I love my life and I love the way things are going.  It's not always sunshine and roses, but it is always filled with love.  I don't ever want it to end. I can't imagine not having what I have right now.   

Regardless of what this blog may lead you to believe, I love and trust my husband with all of my heart and soul.  I have faith that our marriage is sacred and will last our lifetime.  It's just those moments that won't leave your head, the few times that the past rears its ugly head.  I will tell you this.  I think it is getting better.  I have good days and I have bad days.  I tend to over think things at times, and that makes it not such a good day.  I just have to remind myself that I have a good guy.  I am not perfect, he is not perfect, but together we are perfect for each other.   We keep working at this and that is what makes a happy marriage. 

Perfection, blah, blah, blah

I don't know about all of you, but I plan to stay married to my husband for the rest of our lives.  Yes, this is a second marriage for us both...but when you finally get it right, well you just don't want to lose that.  We are not anywhere near what society would call perfect, and I am just fine with this.  

According to Merriam-Webster they define perfect as: being entirely without fault, corresponding to an ideal standard.  Now I don't want to necessarily stand out, but I am not really a "fit in" kinda gal either.  The same goes for my husband, except the gal part of course, lol.  Sure I like some of the same things as others, be it clothes or a hairstyle but I am far from conforming!  I constantly complain that I need a new style, and to be honest I am not sure I actually have a style to change, lol.  But I am OK with that, and so is my husband.

No matter what image I have myself in my head, it obviously differs from my husband's image.  I know that all men think they are obligated to tell their wives they look great, the tell them they are beautiful, that they don't need to change a thing.  Now in a woman's mind, she is instantly thinking, "liar"...I, like most women will always have little insecurities about ourselves.  I too doubt at times when my husband gives me a compliment.  But its not a strong doubt, its more like, "Huh?  For real?"  And most of the time, I actually believe what he is saying to me.  Not because I am overly confident, lol...but because he makes me feel that way.  And that folks it why I am never letting this man go! 

I can say without a doubt that I am married to the most handsome man in world, just looking at him sets the butterflies off in my stomach. Hearing his voice, ahhhh!  Goose bumps!  I am not sure if he thinks exactly the same thing about me, but I am gonna guess he kinda likes me since he is still with me, lol.  My whole point to this blog is when you have that perfect person, (and I do!), hang on to them.  Even if there are days you don't see yourself as a great catch, just remember, they do!  You might not be everyone's cup of tea, but when you are just right for each other you over look the chips and imperfections...

It's All In The Kiss

A kiss is a kiss, or so some might think.  But it has many meanings.  There is the parent-child kiss, the greeting family kiss, or depending upon your nationality/religion, well there is kissing there, too!  However, the kiss between a husband and wife is what I am talking about.  It says so much...it can say good morning, good night, how was your day, I missed you, thank you, I love you, etc...

My husband and I kiss, OFTEN!  We kiss before leaving for work, we kiss when we see each other at home after work, several random throughout the evening and of course before bed.  And that one is the ritual one!  It has a pattern that we never break.  It is special and meaningful and just between us.  It makes me tingle all over to think of a kiss from my husband.

Those times when we get to kiss mean the world to me.  It shows me many things.  It shows me he will miss me in the morning.  He is glad to see me after work.  He is grateful for me in his life and he loves me very much. All of that, and no words have to be spoken.  The kiss is very powerful and very meaningful.

So, even if you don't think a kiss is that important or that meaningful, think again!  Take a few seconds, (or longer) to make it count.  Not just a quick peck on the cheek.  Tell a story with your kiss.  Give it enough ump to last until the next one!  I would be lost without my husband's kisses!  xoxo

In A Few Words

I Adore, I love, have devotion, cherish, treasure and worship my husband...yes, I said worship.  Now stop rolling your eyes and let me explain.  Those are just a few words to describe how I feel about my husband and I am sure the last one will have a few of you ready to stop reading this blog, right...about...now!  But wait, do you truly know what it means?  Let me start with the first word:

Adore: to feel passion, devotion, or tenderness.  I feel those things and more for my husband.  How about you?  

Love:  a feeling of strong or constant regard for and dedication to someone.  Yep, again that describes my feelings.

Devotion: a feeling of strong or constant regard for and dedication to someone.  Are you seeing a pattern here?

Cherish: to feel passion, devotion, or tenderness...

Treasure: do I really need to define it?

Worship: to feel passion, devotion, or tenderness...

All of these things mean about the same thing.  But to me, it means that I love my husband very much!  I adore his smile and cute little expressions.  I love how he takes care of me and the kids.  I am devoted to him and him alone.  I cherish our life together and look forward to growing old with him.  I treasure what we have created and hope that we can be role models for our children.  And I worship the ground he walks on.                                        

                                                          

Now that does not mean that I am bowing down in his presence or adorning the ground upon which he steps with freshly picked flowers.  I am not waiting with bated breath for his permission to so much as speak.  I do however hang on his words, often looking at him in a loving manner, go above and beyond when I can to do nice things for him and check him out as much as possible.  Now does he expect this?  Nope.  Does he like it?  Well, I guess so.  He isn't complaining! :)  

Now looking back at the meanings of those words above, do you notice a word they all have in common?  Its the word "feel".  And no one can tell another how to feel.  That means that no one can tell you who and or how to adore, love, devote, cherish, treasure or worship!  So, for those who think it is wrong to worship your husband, bite me.  Its my feelings, not yours.  

And a few words to those who rolled their eyes to any of this, how happy is your marriage?  Can you laugh and have fun anywhere?  Would your husband do whatever it takes to make you smile on a bad day?  Would he be there for you in your time of need when everyone else has turned their backs?  Would be wait on you hand and foot if you were not feeling well and help nurture you back to health? Would he love you endlessly for the rest of all time?  Now would you do all of that for him?  If you wouldn't, why should he?  

It's not about being selfish, marriage makes you a team.   You get out of it what you put in to it...and there is nothing wrong with being nice!  So, next time you get upset with your husband over the way he is treating you, if you are not doing much for him, why should he worship, treasure, cherish you?  I am not saying it's an "eye for an eye" type of thing, but go above and beyond and see what you get back.  I have done that and I have gotten a wonderful life in return.

                                 

                                                               

Actions Speak Louder Than Words

                                                                                                                                                             How often have you heard that actions speak louder than words?  Those words were not spoken to make someone seem intelligent.  That phrase is entirely correct. Words can come with ease and be meaningless.  Actions take thought and are intentional. 

In everyday life, how often do you say things that you don’t necessarily mean?  Not that you are being fake, but there are some phrases and actions that we are programmed to say or do.  For example, in my line of work I probably say “have a nice day” dozens of times.  Not that I don’t want someone to have a nice day, but it just comes so natural to say it that I don’t often think of its true meaning.  Or when someone asks, “How are you?” the reply is usually, “Fine and yourself?”  Do you think that person really wants to know how you are?  Do they want you to rattle off that your back hurts, you think you’re constipated and you are worried about being behind on bills?  Of course not! 

                                                  

Sometimes I think we become so “programmed” in our lives that many more common phrases lose meaning and become habit of speech.  For example, “I love you”…I don’t know about all of you, but when I say it…I MEAN IT!  And I am not afraid to show it either.  Wither it be my husband, kids or other family, I can back that phrase up with an action if said in person.  A hug, a kiss, eye contact.  On the phone, its in the way it is said, (if that makes sense). 

When you are asking your spouse or children about their day, mean it!  Make eye contact if possible and be engaged in the conversation.  I can be guilty about this from time to time, doing the head nod and saying things like, “uh, huh”.  I don’t like that done to me, so why would I want to do that to others?   At times I have been bad about this with the kids, especially when I am busy.   I have been trying to make a conscience effort to  really be in the conversation as much as possible.  It can be tough with kids when they ramble on and on, lol…but I think the reward will be worth the effort.

My husband and I like to talk, there is no denying that!  And we share the events of our day with each other all the time.  Sometimes I am totally lost when he gets into talking about his job at times, and I sure the same is true for him when I speak of my day at work.  But I am truly interested in what he has to say.  I love that he wants to share his day with me.  It makes me feel like an important part of his life.  I believe that is a sign of good communication and a commitment in the relationship.  Two of the most important things that make a marriage work.

                                                       

We say “I love you” often…maybe some people would think it is said too much, but I personally love to hear it.  Sometimes it is just through texts, sometimes over the phone and the best way, hearing him speak those words.  It sounds sincere and melts my heart every time, (its also his voice, I LOVE his voice!).  It also reminds me how lucky I am to have someone like that! 

The point to this being, don’t let simple yet meaningful phrases like “I love you” become routine with no meaning.  Throw some action behind those words and make them felt by the receiver!   Mean it every single time you speak it.  If you text it, TYPE IT OUT…the whole phrase. No shortcuts or symbols.  If in person…seal it with a kiss.  Actions speak louder than words.  Have a nice day! 

What My Marriage Means To Me

                                                   

You will need to read this entire blog before you form an opinion on me and what I am going to say.  I have very strong feelings about my marriage and I know that it is a constant job to keep it going strong...

I love my husband very very much.  I am not the perfect wife, but I strive to be good at it, lol.  I am not Susie Homemaker, you will see some cobwebs and the laundry gets piled...but I do my best to take care of my family.  I have seen some people roll their eyes when they hear of what I do for my husband at times, but it is my choice.  I might take his shoes and socks off for him, fix him a glass of Pepsi, fix his plate for dinner, get his clothes ready for him after a shower, fix him a snack, rub his shoulders, etc...and I love to do it.  

See, I believe in a lot of things, but two of the most important are showing gratitude and paying it forward.  I do these things to show my husband gratitude for giving me a happy and safe life, free from fear and violence.  I am grateful that we get along so well and enjoy each others company.  I am glad that I am ALL he needs and wants, he gives me security.  And maybe by doing all of this will ensure that my happy life will continue for the rest of our lives.  I will gladly pay it forward to live happily ever after with the true love of my life. 

This life is far different from the one I had before him.  I was married to an unmedicated, abusive bipolar man who could not remain faithful if his life depended on it.  It went from Internet chatting, (he thought never seeing them in person made it OK), to full blown affairs.  I was made to feel inadequate, ugly and worthless.  I cannot tell you how horrible that man could make me feel.  To this day, I do not know why he stayed with me if he wanted others.  

That is something that will always baffle me.  I never understood cheating.  And I know it seems funny that I would focus my pain more on the cheating than the abuse, but heart is slow to heal...it holds on to that pain for a long time. Sadly this pain can sometimes pop up in my marriage now.  I know it is not fair to my husband, but sometimes we cannot help it.  I know I am married to a good man, he would NEVER hurt me by being unfaithful.  But it is difficult to grasp that there are good people out there.  There is someone who loves you and only you...for who you are.  That is something else that baffles me at times.

I ask myself time and time again, why do I deserve this?  Why does he love me?  But I guess I do deserve it, so for that I show my gratitude towards to him.  Not to kiss up, not to keep him from leaving or to keep myself safe.  It is to thank him for being one of the good guys, someone who came into my life and made it what I always wanted...Happy.  

I value my marriage very much.  I know that I have to work hard at it to keep it going.  I feel blessed that I have him by my side.  I feel blessed that he makes me feel loved.  I pay it forward gladly to get it in return.  He may be my second husband, but he is my first, last and only true love.  For something as special as that, I am a very lucky lady.  I love my husband.