Am I Damaged Goods?

There are days that I sit there and think, when is this dream over?  Am I about to wake up and be right back where I was?  If this is a dream, it's very realistic and at the same time, hard to believe.  I have a hard time believing that my husband is mine, all mine.  And I don't have to share him.  When we took vows, he took them very seriously, as did I.  This was not the case with my last marriage.  That one was filled with lies, deceit and heartbreak.  I keep waiting for the bottom to fall out of my happiness...

This sounds so negative, even as think it, type it, read it.  I know it sounds terrible to think, but it is in no way a slam on my husband.  He is a wonderful person and treats me better than I ever thought I could be treated.  But when your past won't get out of your head,  it puts a slight damper on the present.  My husband doesn't say much about my past, he knows about it, he knows it bothers me.  And I think it bothers him.  He has to live with the shadow of my past looming over us.

I would like to think it doesn't effect our relationship, but there are times I am sure it does.  You would think it would be a piece of cake, you know being such a great guy after that loser.  But there are challenges.  Like I said above, I sometimes find it hard to believe that there isn't "another woman" or several for that fact.  Not that I think that is the norm for any relationship!  I just dealt with it for so long, I prayed it would stop for so long and it never did.  My life is kind of like one of those too good to be true things right now.  Therefore, the bottom has to drop out at some point, right? 

I can be told 1000 times that my life will be perfect from here on out, but there is some sort of filter in my brain that is keeping me from fully believing this.  And once again, this is not a slam on my husband at all.  It is not his fault at all...but I don't know how to fix this and make it right.  Am I what they call damaged goods?   

I pray on a daily basis he doesn't just finally decide that this is not worth the headache, hassle or trouble.  I know deep down that he would not do that, but everyone has a breaking point.  I fear that my past could push someone to that.  I am a lot to handle, and I was a package deal.  He took it all with great acceptance and love.  For that he deserves sainthood.  He is my dream come true, he is all I ever wanted and more.  He was the missing piece to my puzzle of a heart. 

This is kind of a downer of a blog for me write, I have actually been working on it off and on all day.  It is just one of those days where I look at where I was and where I am and think, "OK, that's it..." and BAM!  My great life is gone.  And it's back to the old ways.  I love my life and I love the way things are going.  It's not always sunshine and roses, but it is always filled with love.  I don't ever want it to end. I can't imagine not having what I have right now.   

Regardless of what this blog may lead you to believe, I love and trust my husband with all of my heart and soul.  I have faith that our marriage is sacred and will last our lifetime.  It's just those moments that won't leave your head, the few times that the past rears its ugly head.  I will tell you this.  I think it is getting better.  I have good days and I have bad days.  I tend to over think things at times, and that makes it not such a good day.  I just have to remind myself that I have a good guy.  I am not perfect, he is not perfect, but together we are perfect for each other.   We keep working at this and that is what makes a happy marriage. 

Love, True Love.

                                                                               

I believe every marriage is a work in progress...and mine is no exception.  We are not perfect, we have to work at things and from time to time we suffer from miscommunication once in a while. All in all, we make it work...and well I might add!  I think that is because we started out as friends.  We got to really know each other and learn a lot about what makes each of us tick.  We learned of each others' past, the good and the bad.  


Unfortunately, the bad is what I seem to have an issue with from time to time. From both sides...the bad on mine is the the being cheated on, neglected, left to do it all, being abused, just overall being treated terrible.  The bad on his, hearing of his past "sexual experiences" and relationships, which sometimes in my mind make him as bad as my ex.  I know this is not true, but its my mind so sue me.  You cannot always help the way you think, especially when your mind has been treated so badly for years.  At times I appreciate my husband's  honesty and other times I just wish he had just kept it to himself. 
                                                    
I realize my husband's past is the past, but we have dealt with crazy women from the past rearing their ugly heads and causing issues, which is not good.  One incident really and truly hurt me.  It just stirred up a lot of unwanted memories and makes it even more difficult to get my own past out of my head.   And try as I may, sometimes I cannot help but to wonder if my husband is going to do as my ex did.  That sounds horrible, doesn't it?  When I think of that, it makes me feel terrible for even thinking my husband is capable of hurting me like that.  I know deep my heart he never would, but that past can be a real bitch sometimes.


I think I tend to read too much into actions that are nothing.  I dwell on things that really have no meaning, and I allow my feelings to be hurt way to easily.  This is where the miscommunication part comes in.  Although it is the topic of this blog, it is a very small part of our relationship.  I do not want to this to come across as a huge issue or as a daily issue that we have.  


I cannot express how incredibly happy my husband makes me.  I cannot put into words how wonderful it feels to be married to him, how lucky I am to have found someone that makes me feel this way.  I just know this, I have never been happier or more content than I am now.  Which is why these feelings about the past truly bother me.  I don't know if this is my brain's way of trying to protect me or trying to confuse and hurt me.  Sometimes I feel like I am in a huge struggle with my own head.  Sounds silly, huh?  I just want to forget my past, forget his past and live our happily ever after.  How do you shut off the past?

                                           


If I have heard it once, well actually, if I hear it again I think I will scream...but as they say "Your past makes you who you are today"  Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!  See, told you I would scream, lol.  I realize I am a stronger person today because of what I dealt with in my past, blah blah blah...but damn it! Why can I not get the bad out of my head?!  When does that part go away so it does not reflect on current life?  I am tired of remembering my past, and I am tired of making others suffer for it.  It is not fair to any of us.  


I am open to suggestions, I will try almost anything.  All I want is my happy ever after, the wonderful marriage I deserve and for us to enjoy growing old together.   I love you my wonderful husband...forever and always.